Subtle Aggression of Self-Improvement

​

There are an infinite number of ways life could be. Products, services, social media, and ideas sell based on the notion that pain on any scale necessitates an immediate solution. If we're constantly on the hustle for improvement, are we creating more stress, discontentment, and pain? How do we bridge the gap of knowing when to act or let ourselves be?

​

"Sometimes you don't need to do anything." If I use this phrase with clients, they look at me like I've forgotten we're in therapy- there's always something to improve. If we're always "doing," then we've grasped onto the illusion of control.

I can control what my body does and how it looks.

If I keep setting boundaries, other people will act differently.

I'll keep working on myself and my hobbies, and I'll feel more productive.

My coping strategies for anxiety are somewhat working, but I need to do more.

​

Author Liz Gilbert once posted a photo of her journal on Instagram:

"You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety."

​

Self-improvement can be a guise to keep beating ourselves up, use perfectionistic tendencies, or keep up our over-doing addictions. These strategies are band-aids for a few maladaptive mental strategies humans use:

Shame: Shame is a rigid way of thinking about the self that feels stuck in darkness. Brené Brown defines shame as the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection." It will do anything to protect itself from others, seeing into the dark parts we believe are deemed unloveable, hence why a self-improvement obsession may be a shame response.

Anxiety: Anxiety often attempts to ease itself by grasping for control. What better way than engaging in self-improvement activities to feel a sense of agency over uncertainty? Uncertainty is the least tolerable aspect of the human experience, even though we have more access to information than ever before. Gripping onto routine, productivity, ideas, or a sense of identity stems from attempts to ease the uneasiness induced by fear, worry, dread, and anxiety.

Validation: Our fit-wear devices, friends, bosses, family members, or social media influencers validate our self-improvement journeys. Not all of this is negative. However, validation sneakily reinforces self-improvement from self-aggression strategies.

​

What do we not do? We face the discomfort in doses of not doing. If you've ever been sick or injured, you know the limitations of body control. If you've ever been fired or didn't get the job you wanted, you know the limitations hard work can do. If you've ever been on dating apps, you know that loveability doesn't stem from more swiping. We can only do so much and let it be freeing.

​

Cheers to Being,

Brittani

​

PS: If you're interested in the Relational Anxiety group for Peacekeepers, Achievers, and Independent Individuals there's still space and time! Join In​