"This is why boredom can feel so suprisingly, aggressively unpleasant: we tend to think of it merely as a matter of not being particularly interested in whatever it is we're doing, but in fact it's an intense reaction to the deeply uncomfortable experience of confronting your limited control."
​Oliver Burkeman, Four Thousand Weeks

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Of all the identifiably intolerable emotional states, boredom shows up the strongest. The above passage from Oliver Burkeman's Four Thousand Weeks frames why boredom is intolerable: we're confronted with our own limitations. We have ways to constantly be entertained, decreasing our tolerance for boredom and increasing impatience while waiting in line for lattes or grocery store self-check-out. Our cheat codes for defying boredom decrease life satisfaction. We're snacking on productivity, learning, and entertainment rather than fueling ourselves with nourishing actions, deep learning, and meaningful amusement. What are we giving up by trying to control how we feel?

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Intolerable Outcomes. Our emotional intolerance influences how we relate to those around us. Constantly controlling how we feel has relational consequences. When we feel uncomfortable internally, we'll seek fulfillment externally. Outsourcing this inside job to those around us becomes a futile endeavor. We're giving up true belonging to ourselves and others.

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Sliding Down Slippery Slopes. In therapy world, the term process addictions describes non-substance use addictions. Exercise, work, phone use, porn, sex, video games, and gambling are all examples of process addictions. These are rather obvious behaviors. Now I'll go into the slippery slopes that may not seem evident at first but become more transparent overtime:

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Unsolicited Life Coach: Attempting to control (or coach) those around you. Common coaches will push agendas such as: "When will you get married? What house will you buy? When are you going to have kids? What college will they go to?"

Societal Status: Keeping up with the Jones' (or Kardashians) mentality. Posting life on social media, virtue signaling, and being trendy keep up a status or appearance for how we want to be perceived.

More Money: Never enough and always need more. This keeps a sense of control over the future and generates more anxiety about a future problem that doesn't exist yet.

Emotional Delegator: Delegating personal anxieties or other hard feelings to other people. The lack of internal boundaries leaves those around you dancing around your emotions.

Emotionally Responsible One: Seeking self-assuredness by making sure everyone else is okay. You lack external boundaries and tend to take on emotional responsibilities that aren't yours.

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Relational dynamics highlight our slippery slopes. How do you react when a person in your family struggles with anger? When your partner struggles with boredom, what happens to you? When you struggle with anxiety, what do people around you do? To be clear, most of the time these slippery slopes don't have malicious intent. However, they are subconscious strategies meant to continuously change the present moment. We become hungry ghosts, constantly consuming yet never satisfied.

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Don't Make Me Meditate. I've been in an on and off situationship with meditation for a few years now, so I can't prescribe something I'm inconsistent with. However, meditative principles help emotional/relational intelligence. Begin by noticing the emotions you have during various times of day. Close your eyes, take a breath, and notice how you feel. This simple exercise will increase awareness of your internal experience, enhancing emotional awareness and relational experiences. Intentionally engage in the process of letting go of slippery slopes for an expansive sense of self and a deeper sense of belonging.

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PS: If you've identified as an emotionally responsible person, I've got a group for you! I'm hosting a six-week group starting October 1st for people who feel emotionally responsible in relationships. Details here:

​Relational Anxiety Group​

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Brilliantly Bored,

Brittani

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