Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate relationships.
The Topic Everyone is Talking About
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THE TOPIC EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT AND NO ONE IS DOING WELL: DATING "Are you seeing anyone?" "How did you meet?" "Are you married?" "How's dating going?" "Are you on the apps?" "How are things with (insert name)?" These are opening conversation topics that people ask all the time. As I write this, I just got off the phone with someone inquiring about couples therapy. The inquirer asked the question no interviewer could legally ask, "Have you ever been married?" Everyone wants to have a sneak peek into other people's lives related to relationships. The last thing the world needs is another reality dating show, yet producers find ways to make yet another cringe-worthy trainwreck of a reality series people can't stop watching. We talk about dating and relationship statuses, but dating isn't really happening- for singles and couples. Let's talk about how we've lost the plot. Solving Single. When we perceive being single as a problem, we'll find "solutions." Marketers and businesses seek pain points to create pain killers, not vitamins. We know vitamins are good for longevity but don't have immediate results. Painkillers instantly work but create more problems down the line. Still, painkilling mechanisms win because the imminent fear of being alone forever creates urgency for more swiping. Combine fear with endless options on who to date, and apps generate lifelong customers. Therefore we're not dating- we're trying to solve problems. When we focus on the outcome, we lose the fun, flirty sentiments of dating now that it has become a job. Just ask your married friends. Nobody's F*cking Anymore. (Again, sorry Grandmom!). You've found your match, single is not a problem, so now what? In Esther Perel's article Nobody's F*cking Anymore, she discusses the most common issue among couples who applied for her podcast Where Should We Begin. Her producer found that everyone had the same problem- not having sex. Couples often say they "lost the spark" they once had. Losing the spark doesn't happen overnight, so what happens over time? Understandably, a myriad of causes include having kids, work stress, grief, physical changes, and feeling busy with life. The heart of it comes down to this: Couples don't date and think they don't need to. Predictability suffocates curiosity, leaving couples living in the mundane rather than creating room for eros. Dating 101. Let's talk about how to date- no matter your relationship status. You've probably heard the phrase dating with intention from life coaches on the internet. Let's clarify this currently cringey cliché. Dating serves to explore interests, emotional depths, and life philosophies, and a forum for flirty fun. Whether single swiping for love or a couple married for 40 years, it's time to redefine dating.
Cheers Daters, Brittani |
Lessons In Intimacy
Grateful to have you! I'm Brittani, a relationship therapist, yogi, writer, runner, and latte lover. Each week you'll receive thought-provoking letters written to generate insights toward creating resilient, intimate relationships.