Why Love Drives Us Crazy

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Admittedly, I was relatively late to the game when seeing Crazy Stupid Love for the first time in January 2021. Quickly it became one of my favorites. It paints a picture of love, heartbreak, humor, and how irrational love makes us feel. Most of us can relate to the euphoria and misery love has in store for its complex disposition. Science, literature, philosophy, anthropology, history, and 90's rom-coms demonstrate the intricacies of love's influence on the human condition. Despite the plethora of material we continuously search for an understanding of love, romance, and our sense of self amid the intensity of such states.
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The Biology of Love. Love is chemically made of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and vasopressin. Love also has internal and external components that result in morphinergic (morphine-like) mechanisms. The pain inflicted by breakups mirrors withdrawal from opioids. With all of these components, it is no wonder drugs and love are often compared. Dopamine is a hormone that enables us to seek out things such as food, sex, work achievements, exercise, etc. Dopamine is not necessarily all about pleasure; it's the chemical of more. A first date may be a teaser leading to wanting more time with that person and dopamine is a leading chemical in this desire. These biological mechanisms allow us to attune to others' wants and needs while being attentive to our own.
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Attachment Styles. Attachment styles have been getting a lot of buzz on the internet. To get into the nitty-gritty of this hot topic, let's get into the genesis of how attachment theory originated. John Bowlby, a psychologist, psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst, pioneered attachment through experiences of working with juveniles and children while studying their interactions with caregivers. The origins of attachment theory examine our upbringing within the parent-child relationship context. The attachment styles indicate if an infant has a secure base, they can explore the world freely.

In contrast, if the infant lacks confidence in the caregiver's ability to provide security. The four attachment styles are as follows: insecure-avoidant, insecure-resistant, secure, and disorganized. Here is a breakdown of what each one looks like:

Insecure-Resistant:

• Hard crying during separation
• Unresponsive when the mother returns to child
• Angry slapping of toys
• May not engage in quality play

Insecure-avoidant:

• Less likely to cry when separated from parent
• Ignore mother's return
• May look at mother and turn away
• Continue playing without acknowledging caregiver
• Elevated heart rate
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Disorganized:

• Wide range of out of context behaviors
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Secure:

• May or may not cry
• Acknowledges mother's return
• Returns to play when comforted
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Bowlby did not live long enough to follow through on research in applying attachment theory in adult relationships. To this day, researchers continue the legacy of this human phenomenon. The book Attached dives deep into attachment styles in romantic relationships. For adults, attachment styles appear as the following:
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Anxious:

• Over-dependence on others
• Seeks others to regulate emotionally
• More likely to feel distressed from a breakup
• Low self-component, often struggles with unworthiness/unlovability
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Avoidant:

• Minimizes the importance of relationships
• Sabotages relationships through less need for intimacy
• Independent, higher self-regard
• Avoids intimacy
• Higher levels of infidelity

Secure:

• Higher satisfaction with romantic relationships
• Highlights benefits of a relationship
• Effective communicator
• Positive self-regard can maintain independence outside of a relationship

Disorganized:

• Avoids intimacy
• Regard depends on others' ongoing acceptance
• People are generally untrustworthy
• Mixed emotional responses

Before you try and put yourself into one of these boxes, think of these as tendencies. All of these patterns exist on a spectrum. We may gravitate towards one category, but context matters. For example, an avoidant person will feel anxiety if they don't hear from a person they're interested in dating and may double (or quadruple) text. Consequentially, that same person may pull back if they feel too close in the same relationship. Various research examines how these styles evolve and change over time (going to therapy can help!). Relationships often offer opportunities to transcend our patterns in feeling more secure within ourselves and our relationships—the dance of independence and togetherness. The dance of security and freedom leaves us feeling the roller coaster of emotions: anxiety and excitement, joy and heartbreak, bliss and agony. All these factors can make love complicated, messy, beautiful, poetic, and even drive us a little crazy.